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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Hidgens' LiveJournal:

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Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
1:56 pm
Ugh, drama.
It seems like emotion is running rampant around me all the time now. Both for me, and for all of the people around me, kind of wish all this drama would leave me be, at least for the rest of the semester.

Lots of my friends are going through a rough patch in their lives in regards to their families. I am not kidding when I say that 3 of my friends have grandparents dying of cancer at this very moment, and one of them had their grandmother die last night. I have never been one to really converse on the emotional side of life, so I just kind of sat there and let him get it off his chest. What was strange is that he is one of the strongest people I have met, and for him to sit there crying to me was a eye opening experience. He knows that if there was anything that I could do though, that I would. It is the least I could do, and I know that if I was in his position, that he would do the same for me.

My emotional experience has also gone through family, but when compared to my friends is much less severe. What used to be a very good friend of mine, but no longer for his habitual lying and manipulation of people has led to our friendship going astray, decided to play a prank on me. When I came home from a social last Thursday I came home to hear from a good friend of mine that my old friend was "sleeping with my god-sister, as we speak." So of course I went to go check it out. I entered my room to find her and my friend sitting on my bed with the lights out. If you have never met my god-sister, she is truly one of the sweetest girls you will ever meet, she is just as close to me as my real family, and when I saw him with her, something snapped inside of me, and I blew up. I would have fought him then and there if it wasn't for my friends stepping in to hold me back. What was strange is that I had no idea that, that kind of emotion or protective nature inside of me existed, but looking back I am glad it is. I found out later that it was just a prank, but at the time the only thing that I could think of was protecting her from him, and I would have done whatever it took to make sure she was ok, regardless of the consequences. That was a week ago today, and since then I have made peace with what happened. Not with him, I don't think I can call him my friend ever again, but I no longer have the urge to beat his face in. He has yet to apologize to me.

It may have been that I have some pent up issues, or that the stress of life had caught up to me, but I have never felt anger like that before in my life. I am glad that they stopped me though, because I would not have stopped myself. I guess the moral of the story is that you don't mess with someone's family, because no one will have any idea of how they will react. Anyway, all of this drama has taken time away from my studies and it will be very difficult to get back on track, and with the end of the pledge semester(I am the pledge educator this semester), school and all of this shit going on, the stress is starting to get to me. I really cannot wait for these next 4 weeks to pass, so I can finally relax for a while. I really do need a change of scenery, and it can't come fast enough.
Monday, December 1st, 2008
6:03 pm
haha, whoops.
Lets just say that I am an idiot, and most likely will be single forever. What to do with this $30 bubble bath kit I just bought?
Thursday, November 27th, 2008
11:31 pm
Things I am Thankful for
I am thankful for:
great friends
a loving family
my fraternity
all the opportunities that have been given to me
my health

and overall, just life in general. I really am a blessed person, and sometimes when you take a step back you realize just how lucky all of us really are. I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 22nd, 2008
4:39 am
what do you buy a girl for her birthday, which is in like 3 weeks, or christmas? I have only been seeing her for a couple weeks, but it has a lot of potential. Any suggestions?
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
8:56 pm
quick update
I think that most people on this thing just like to read what people are saying, and not actually say anything themselves. Which kind of makes this a pointless application. Anyway, for the sake of keeping in touch with old friends I will give a quick update.

No, nothing happened between me and Amber. It should have. But do to outside sources beyond our control nothing happened, and now she is moving to Tampa. So at least I won't have to see her. Its not that I don't want to, its just that seeing her would make all of those feelings come back, so its better to just cut the cord and move on from there.

I moved upstairs, which means that I now have my own room. It really is hard to put it into context the wonders of having your own room, which is a liberty that most of us just take for granted. Being able to sleep when you want, to walk around naked when you want, and to just close the door and escape from everything is simply wonderful.

Due to some transfer problems from collegeboard.com I am now forced to take English and Human Species this summer so I can declare my major. Yes, I know I am behind, but changing your major this far into it has its downfalls. So as of Summer B, I will be a Marketing student, and on my way towards a degree, finally.

I am applying all over campus for Marketing positions, such as working for the Campus Activities Board, and as the Director of Marketing for Late Knights. I would be more then happy to do either of those jobs. And both would look good on my resume, which is something that I need to start working on.

Other then that I am doing well. Playing a couple sports, Tennis, Soccer and Dodgeball this summer. And keeping busy enough to not worry about much else. Not too much to complain about really. Except women, but I have done that enough. So I promised only a quick update, and it turned out to be a bit longer then I had hoped. Anyway, keep working on this thing. People do read and do care. I promise.
Monday, March 24th, 2008
5:05 pm
seriously, just when things are looking like they might be going places. 180 degree turn. i am going to need to talk to a girl sometime that can explain a couple things, and them maybe I might be happy.

Such things include:
how to be a good boyfriend
how much is just enough attention
how am i supposed to know what mood your in
how to find a girl that does not over-react

oh, and tonight i get to go speak in front of 150 girls, please don't let me fuck up....

Until then, the forever optimist, Higgins
Thursday, March 6th, 2008
12:31 am
I am mentally and physically exhausted. I have been running off of no sleep for a while now, and it is starting to get to me. I am nervous all the time, it is hard to concentrate, and I only think about her. I have only gone on one date and already she is all I can think about. Seriously the best first date I have ever been on, we went to a nice restaurant, talked, ate, then went to this Hookah bar and had some of the best conversations I have ever had. I learned more about this girl in 2 hours, then I do about most of my friends for years. Seriously an eye-opening experience. I get so nervous around her, that I don't know what to say now. How do you relate to perfection? Already this girl has me twisted around in knots....I love it.
Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
6:53 pm
Fiji Roadtrip
So i got back from a road trip that consisted of me, and three friends randomly driving up and down the east coast. this is the route that we went on:
Kentucky(saw our international headquarters and spent the night sleeping in our car next to a hotel)
Pennsylvania (saw where the log cabin where we were founded, and saw the first house ever at Penn. State)
West Virginia
North Carolina
South Carolina
and back to Florida

when did this in the course of 3 days. more hours then I care to think about, and roughly 2500 miles later, we survived. I have more stories then I know what to do with, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Anyway, this week will be the third consecutive week that I have not spent in my own bed. We will see how this goes. Anyway, long time no see, and I hope everyone is doing well.

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008
9:17 pm
A couple nights ago I was hanging out at my friends house when we decided to throw a little impromptu party. I had decided to be the DD that night, and so i ended up driving everyone home. the last to drop of was a good friend of mine, and she was drunk. We have been talking for a while now, and while it would be cool if something happened, it might end up awkward if we did. anyway, she didnt want to go home just yet, so i took her to my place and hung out. we ended up just talking until like 5 in the morning, which is about as late as we usually talk. i know, my schedule is all fucked up. anyway, there was a moment when i could have kissed, but didnt do anything. we "held hands" but not really at the same time, i ended up playing with her hair for about half the night. anyway, rumors come back saying that i tried to put some game on her, and while like i said, i would not be opposed to it, i would still not want to ruin anything by being too forward. we are going to have a talk tonight, hopefully this will clear some things up. wish me luck!
Thursday, January 31st, 2008
2:32 pm
sensuality or sexuality?
Yesterday I was having a discussion with a good friend of mine about everyone's favorite subject, sex. i think everyone who is reading this can hopefully relate somewhat to what this discussion was about. and if not, grow up or get laid.

I was essentially called a pussy by this female friend because i do not get all ape shit and crazy in bed. i just made the argument that there is something to be said for sensuality. The even keel, take your time and enjoy it approach can be most satisfying at times. Maybe i am just a die-hard romantic, who knows? I dont mind doing those kinds of things, but i dont have to have claw marks on my back and a bloody lip after every outing. its just not necessary. she likes it a little more on the wild side, and refuses to calm down. so i ask you, my loyal readers. which do you prefer, sensuality or sexuality?
Monday, January 28th, 2008
2:12 pm
Its been 7 weeks
I was actually really close to closing this account, i thought that no one used this anymore. It seems to me that this really is a forum for people to gripe and bitch about their lives on. which is amazing. i would much rather them post on here, where people can see and respond to, then to keep them bottled up and just letting them fester. everybody has their problems, and i have my fair share of them. So if you dont want to read someone complaining about their life, then you should probably stop now, but if your like me, you will continue reading because it tells me that i am not the only one struggling. so read on, brave reader. i admire you.

alot of this shit is extremely petty, and may seem shallow or miniscule, but it is these things that really bother me the most. for instance, i hate being short. it infuriates me every time i get a short joke, like seriously, is there nothing better to talk about then the fact that your taller then me? every time people do it, its like, pardon the pun, they are belittleing me. like people are talking down to me, that they are better then me. I know i am short, that its cute, that you like putting me down. but for christ' sake, lay off the short jokes.

I like, and yet hate being in charge of the fraternity. I have found out that as good as i do under pressure, I hate talking to people about shit they did, or why i have to fine them. I think it kind of boils down to the fact that i dont like people not liking me. which i am sure everyone does, but some people are better at keeping their own company then me, either that or people just dont care like i do. not like that is necessarily a bad thing for myself, but it just proves to me that i should not be in a leadership position until i mature a little more.

I still have all the usual problems with girls, I dont usually set my heart on one, but only half ass on a multitude of them. none of which i really have a legitimate shot of dating. Karli is a beautiful girl, but if you know who she is, then you know why i shouldnt get my hopes up. Kate is too tall for me. Amber and Hillary are both taken. Rachel is the most beautiful girl i have ever met, and it would be my greatest day if i could get with her, unfortunately she is amazingly out of my league. which leaves me with palmala handerson. i hope somebody gets that joke.

anyway, things arent all that bad. i have more friends then i know what to do with. school is keeping me busy, but not as much as the fraternity. I am joining more clubs, hoping to improve my resume the next couple years. I have an amazing family who supports me in whatever i do, which is awesome since i got a tatoo and havent told them yet. dont guilt trip me on this one, i already do that enough as is. feel free to hit me up anytime, i will make sure that i post, and not all whinny ones, more often in the future. i know i have an avid fan base. love you all!

Tuesday, December 4th, 2007
12:37 am
what is everyone's plans for the holiday's this year?

personally i am leaving on the 13th to head back up to colorado for a month.
Monday, November 12th, 2007
12:53 am
First off, let me start off by saying that i know i have absolutely no reason to be jealous or really upset in any way, but i am so i am going to get this off of my chest.

Last night was formal for FIJI, meaning that we all go and get dates, buy corsage's, rent tuxes, and go to this really nice hotel and have a real nice, relaxed formal event. I get everything ready, and go and pick up my date, and she is beautiful. i mean this with sincere honesty, one of the prettiest girls that i have ever seen. absolutely beautiful. We go to the event and have a great time, i wasnt even drinking, i was just enjoying myself tremendously. We were talking, flirting, dancing. everything that i could have hoped for and more. like when we danced she was grabbing and feeling my arm, putting her head right in that little space between my shoulder and neck. like it was beautiful.

We go on the bus ride back and we continue talking. this girl is very outgoing, like isnt afraid to tell you what is on her mind at any moment, and is very free with her sexuality. not in the sense that she sleeps around, but is very comfortable talking about sex. so the topic comes up, she tells me stuff that i wish i didnt know, such as that she has had plenty of bootycalls, and all of the different places and positions she has tried. and it was cool, i didnt mind that at all. anyway, we chat it up all the way home.

we are hanging out in my room, several people were there, so dont worry, this isnt a sex story, well kinda, but you will see. anyway, the people at the house arent partying, so she calls a friend of her's and tells her to come pick her up, she wants to go out. her friend that came with her, says she doesnt want to, but karli (my date) forces her to come with. i dont want to just ask her to stay, so i dont say anything and let her go.

apparently the reason that she went to the party though, was because she was fucking some motocross rider, and he was going to be there that night. and the reason she went was so she could have sex with him. i find this out today.

now i know that i have absolutely no right to be upset, we are not dating, we didnt kiss, we didnt do anything sexual at all. i just really liked this girl, and i thought that the feeling was reciprocated. I am not going to say that i was a little hurt by it. It just really sucks to get your hopes up like that. i know what i feel, i just dont know how to get over it. i guess just give it time. thanks for reading this, i appreciate it. and after all that, i still had a great time with the girl, and i would still take her out in a heartbeat if she called. i just dont really want to make the first move right now. sorry this was so long.
Tuesday, October 30th, 2007
11:30 am
man, why are all the great ones always taken?
Friday, September 28th, 2007
1:45 am
what is wrong with me?
Alright, there has been two seperate girls, within the last couple weeks, that have essentially been throwing themselves at me. The first one was kind weird, and really forward, and that kind of turned me off. the second one is really sweet, and cute and whatnot, but i am just not as interested as i should be for girlfriend material. like as bad is this sounds, i probably could have had either one of them and had sex with both. The thing is, is that i have been single for so long, that i dont know how to be a boyfriend anymore, not like i was a good one anyway.

But now i am sitting here, like really frustrated, because i dont really have that passion that i should for either of them. its not that i am not attracted to this second one, she has a great body, its just that i cant see myself in a relationship. which is weird because i really do think i want one. it just doesnt seem fair, that the girls that are interested in me, i am not really that interested back in. i dont know what to do, like this girl wants me to come stay over at her house ever couple nights, and only recently have i come to this realization. if i stay with her, i might start to feel more comfortable in this relationship. but then again, if we start having sex and i realize that i am not comfortable, then i am the biggest asshole alive. this girl really is sweet, and nice and anything, but she did hook up with one of my brothers, and so that also might have something to do with it.

I dont know what i should be doing/feeling at the moment. anyone have any suggestions?

Current Mood: confused
Sunday, September 16th, 2007
11:07 am
I couldnt be more proud of my UCF knights. in our first home game we almost beat the number 6 team in the nation. we actually were winning for a significant portion of the game, and if it wasn't for a couple plays, 3 that i would have identified, we should have won that game. my friend chewed me out later on that day for using the term "moral victory" but that is exactly what it is. i have never been more proud of how we performed, and am looking forward to a successful season.

on a downer though i got sunburned, like pretty damn badly. its only on the front of my neck, face and a little on my arms. i should be ok in a couple days, but it is going to suck till then. its a good thing i dont have a bunch of tests in these next couple days, oh wait....
Thursday, August 30th, 2007
2:28 pm
what would you do?
alright, it is that time of the year when we have to go sell ourselves out to bring in new guys into the fraternity. no it is not fun, but it is important. this is where we meet new guys that will be coming into our brotherhood, and will affect which direction the fraternity grows. so far we have had an amazing pledge class, absolutely no complaints.

there is this one guy though, we didnt give him a bid for reasons that i will now explain, but it has created a unique situation, one that is not desirable at all. his name in Benji, and i think that there is really something wrong with him. like some sort of mental defect, not trying to be offensive, but he obviously isnt all there. anyway, some of the guys, including myself, thought he was creepy, and one of the guys asked him to leave. in about as polite a way as you can say, get out, we did. stuff like we just dont think that you would be a real good fit in our fraternity and we wish you the best of luck for rush this year.

russell, who makes me feel like a big asshole, really felt bad about turning this guy away. he talked about how disheartening it would have been for that kid to call his parents and tell him that we turned him away. that all he was doing was trying to make friends, and we showed him the door. i for one, did not put myself in his shoes, and when i did i really did have sympathy for the kid, but at the same time he would not have made it through to brotherhood.

in a way though we almost did him a favor by not allowing him in. i know that seems insensitive, but that is the kind of environment that he would be walking into. we joke around and insult each other all the time around here, and he would not only be susceptible to these cruelties, but probably not as adept to handle them as people such as you or i are. it would almost be merciful for us to not let him in, to be spared what he would have to go through. as terrible as it seems, it's true.

it is just a hard situation to be in. what really is eating at me though, is that i did not think of it myself. that all i saw was an awkward kid, and didnt think to put myself in his shoes. i dont know, that conversation kind of shook me up, and i am not quite sure what to think on the situation. what do you guys think? i mean, he is not getting in, but just how guilty should we feel for not doing so?

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, August 21st, 2007
7:37 pm
like the new userpic?
well, i am now officially moved into the fraternity's house, and have started up with classes again. life is going pretty good, no real complaints at this time. although i do wish it was less expensive, and some of the services on campus might be run a little more efficiently, but who am i to talk, i am goofy as shit when it comes to running these types of things. which is why it is strange that they went and gave me the fundraising chair. i am tasked with making a fundraiser, bringing brothers out to it, and obtaining some 800+ dollars in funds to make a new back yard. house corp, the people that actually own the house have promised to match whatever i bring in, so the better this goes, the better the deck will be.

school is going well, it is hard to judge how the class will be on the first day, but they seem fairly interesting. about as interesting as they are going to get from here on out, at the very least.

not that i dont have enough of them already, but i am making new friends by the loads this semester. with a new pledge class coming up, that and meeting new and older sisters of different sororities it is hard not to. i am just hoping that all these improvements i have been making lately start paying off.

i wonder if it is because i havent done it in a while, or that i am just starting to get older, but i dont recover as well after working out as i used to. of course i am working out with guys who are beasts, and do a bunch of shit i have never seen before. oh well, those are part of the upgrades i mentioned earlier. all in all though i have been enjoying myself, now i just need to focus on the grades and girlfriends aspect of my life and i should be good to go. you guys holding up alright?
Sunday, August 5th, 2007
12:07 pm
Happy Birthday to Me.
yup, i am officially old enough to get drunk in public. vegas is awesome, i will fill you guys in with all the details when i get a chance. anyway just wanted to say hi, and that this girl that i am seeing in parker, i just found out that she might be bi-sexual. awesome. anywho, i will talk to you guys later.

party time! Excellent!
Thursday, August 2nd, 2007
12:02 am
alright already, i will make a freaking post!
well, there is this one thing that has come up recently that i could tell you guys.

there is this girl that i met at texas road house. she is a smoking hot little thing that answers to kendall. really sweet, kinda naive, but not really, very cute and very interested in me. i took her out a couple nights ago to see I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry, which was a good movie. probably not the best date movie as it was hard not to stare at jessica biel, but what guy could not sympathize with me. seriously that hottest thing she has done so far. anyway things went well, and i would love to take her out again. which i plan on doing, but i cant until at least monday because....

i am going to vegas this weekend to turn 21. yes, thats right, your jealous. i just found out tonight that my grandparents' guests are not going to make it, and that their house is free for me to use. i turn 21 this sunday and while i dont plan on going crazy, i do plan on getting drunk. and unless it is some really crazy or boring shit, either extreme you dont really need to know, i promise i will go ahead and use this archaic beasty to tell you what fun i had. i am going with my family to meet my grandparents to get drunk. i am not sure exactly how well this is going to turn out, but i have high hopes.

anyway, i should get to bed, i have to have blood drawn tomorrow morning to make sure i am not sick, it seems that lately all i do is sleep, and really this has been going on for well over a year now, and i want to know why. anyway, i am going to get out of here and hit the sack. good night neverland!

oh, and joo, you should make some posts about what is going on in your life instead of just wishing that we did. love you, and i just realized that this was supposed to be the year that your dad took us to europe for a couple weeks this summer. my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail....

anywho, i will talk to you guys later!
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